For some time now, I have been feeling defeated. Since the beginning of this journey, I have talked myself out of blogging so many times. Mainly because I do not hear or see the feedback, results nor did I feel validated for my work. You may ask, “Again Meia?” Yes, again! I know, I have been here before. Writing and journaling has always been something I did for me, “myself”, since I was about 16 or 17 years old. It was always my way to self-regulate and cope with my depressive moods, anxiety and the misunderstandings of myself, family, friends; hell, this country and people in this world. And because of the lack of “support” (or at least I thought), I asked myself “why”, a lot. Why are you doing this, Meia?
About a month (or more) ago, I was deep in my feelings, yet again. And I continued to question myself with “why”. Why post my thoughts? Why blog? Just, freaking why? And truthfully, I created the excuse of not having enough time, on top of the “lack of support” I thought I was not receiving from readers, not necessarily from my close friends and family, but from everyone who had gained access to my blog. Then, I began to question my career. “Why did you choose counseling? This is not what I thought! What the hell happened to the needs of the client? Politics fucks up everything!” I was lost in every possible way. I was falling back into a depressive state of mind. I actually felt alone. So, this one particular day, I’m in the bathroom getting ready, and I heard the spirit say, “Be still”. I stopped, grabbed my dry eraser board and wrote, “Meia, be still!” And did just that for a while and I mean a good while. Now in the meantime, I did not feel missed by my readers, but I still missed the idea of blogging. I would audio record my thoughts, jot a couple things down in my traveling journal to release a little of the burden I was feeling, and I would even start a draft of a post or two for my blog, but I would not complete it. I would not post a thing! Hence, the inconsistency.
Now, allow me to fast forward to the most recent days. God moved my sissy to announce me Tycoon of a Tuesday. Now listen, I can take a “thank you”, but that warm, heartfelt announcement..? Lord! Just take me now! I was so weak. I was speechless and overwhelmed with not only her love and support, but the love and support of her followers that I had no clue read my blog. Then comes the validating statements; the comments read like, “she motivates me”, “she’s my role model”, “proud Uncle” and so many other beautiful statements. Statements that actually made me feel exactly what the spirit wanted me to experience when it said “be still”. And all I could do was just sit in the moment. I sat in that moment for days. Truth be told, I am sitll in the moment as I write this post. If I had ever doubted myself before, I promise I get it now. I make others feel normal, like the human beings that they are. Being in that moment, even now, I sit in it humbly because I see the need of Meia Amor as much as there is a want. I soaked up every like and comment and allowed it to move me to continue with Meia Amor. The spirit wanted me to be still, get out of my head and allow the support of her followers, my readers to move me to keep pushing, so I can lay my messages all out, real and raw. I needed to internalize all the beautiful things that were said so I could not only reflect, but accept the spiritual message God sent my way. And that message is simple (to me), you are not only wanted, you’re needed! And I am. Again, I write for me! It is my way of healing and coping, yet I share for others. For others to heal and feel encouraged and NORMAL. Another thing I’m understanding from the spirit is that, it takes a bold someone to put their “ish” out here like I have. To be as transparent as I am and allow people to see my vulnerability and to use it however they see fit, is not easy for most people. It’s not always easy for me! So, people may never comment, but they’re reading. People may never share their feelings, but they’re reading and adjusting. I may never know how much my blog is wanted through the validation of my readers, but what I am learning to understand as I move towards accepting the silence of my readers, is that I am very much so saving lives and encouraging others to move forward and push through their pain.
So, my people, I say all of that to say, do not allow the feeling of defeat to deter you from your purpose. God grants us the desires of our hearts, especially when He has placed you on this earth for that sole reason, your purpose! So trust Him! Trust His timing, His reasoning, your stumbles and your purpose! Because without the stumbles, the test and the obstacles, you will never understand your true reason for living. And I’ve learned to accept that I endured a hell of a lot of pain in my younger days to be a healer for others today. So get up, push through and live this precious gift called life that God has granted you.