I have been thinking a lot about the actual meaning of the word “friendship” and the individuals I consider to be my friends. I found myself doing the tango about this topic, mainly because it is a sensitive topic to write about. Not because someone will think I’m specifically talking about them; but because I feel it will offend someone. I’m not trying to purposely offend anyone, but I honestly offended myself, so I’m sure it’s bound to happen. I had to do a lot of reevaluating throughout writing this post. And boy have I figured some things out about myself! I feel like this topic is going to continue on to another post because it’s a lot to cover. But please, read and follow me closely.
Back in August, I started this topic called, “Frenemy”. It was inspired by this video someone forwarded me. As I was writing, I gut punched myself, so I had to put the pen down. I had to put the pen down for several reasons, but I’ll share two of them. One, I found myself being hypocritical. And two, those ambivalent people were popping up in my life left and right, and I knew if I posted it before now, they would think this post was specifically created because of them (though it was inspired and based off the feelings the video brought up within me).
Frienemies, homie… They will ruin you, and this expert has the reason why and exactly how to escape.(Vanessa Van Edwards on Impact Theory)
Posted by Tom Bilyeu on Thursday, August 3, 2017
Let’s focus back on me being a hypocrite. The one thing I have always known about myself is that I’m funny acting. I joke about it often, but it is true. I love being alone! I don’t need to be in a crowd or under people. I figure my true self out in my most quiet moments, alone. I’m a loner, period! Therefore, if you require as much attention from me as you would expect from your man, then I’m not the friend for you. I cannot provide that level of companionship. If you get offended easily, act/is jealous hearted, cannot be alone and don’t appreciate the truth, then I’m definitely not for you. I am not a yes friend. I spend quality time alone to make myself a person of substance. Therefore, I refuse to allow a friend of mine to be less than what I know they are or can be. And what I’m finding to be a problem is that, if I have an ongoing issue or problem with a friend and feel that I cannot have a conversation about it, I separate myself to create boundaries. In my mind, if I’m unable to talk to you about any and everything, that means the conversation is going to separate us anyways, so I just create the distance and keep the love between us. Make sense? No? Ok, let me try to explain it another way. I cannot be connected to individuals that cannot say the words, “sorry” and “you’re right” to other human beings. Nor can I be connected to individuals that makes everything about them or go to great lengths to ensure they’re always right. To me, that means you will never see a point outside of your own and agreeing to disagree means, you’ll eventually have to prove why your point was right rather than allowing it to be a difference of opinions. EXHAUSTING!! And unfortunately, I cannot deal! #MyTruth (Shrug shoulders.)
Ok, so back to me being a hypocrite. So, when I started writing about friends in need of attention, I felt as if I was speaking of myself. I was basically trying to say that I felt like I could not handle the pressure of those friends that needed a lot of attention. But in reality, I was “that friend”. Yup! The one that needed the same thing they needed from me, but unconsciously, I was not able to provide. I had to stop, reflect, evaluate myself and dig deep. Here is what I came up with. I found that my friends needed the same things from me that I basically needed from them. To myself, that meant I was being just as “needy” as I felt like they were being. Though they wanted way more time together than I needed and wanted, I was still “in need” of their time. As I thought about my needs, I discovered that though my need was not company in the physical form, I still needed an outlet outside of my everyday life. I needed a friend that I could call and talk to about any and every single thing. Small and stupid things. Things like, if I were trying to use the restroom and right when I passed gas, another woman walked in the restroom and heard me. Or like, when my husband made a joke about my granny panties. I found that I need to share things I find funny, lame, deep, embarrassing or just plain meaningless, and it makes me happy. It’s freeing! Every single minute of the day, I am a wife and a mother; and when it comes to my friends, I need them to keep Meia being Meia. I honestly get lost in the roles as wife and mother and loose myself. The truth is, I need my friends to keep me balanced mentally. This does not mean I cannot listen to them vent about the same things, it just means that I cannot provide the physical companionship they require in their friendships because I’m funny acting and a straight up loner. And when I feel pressured to provide more than I can handle, I separate myself. I create distance so the love can remain. #MyTruth
Part two of my findings is that I have people that I call my friends, “my girls” and they really don’t care about me. I never understood the physiological changes my body was going through when it was time for me to be around these type of people. Mentally, I knew I did not want to be in their presence. Physically, my body was reacting to the thought of being around them as well. I would feel heaviness in my chest; anxiety! I would get a headache. I would question if I really wanted to go. I’d create an excuse that held truth, but exaggerate it so that I would not have to go. Not because I necessarily didn’t like them, but because I felt like I could not be Meia. I’m all about being one true self. I feel like if I cannot be my true self, if I have to sit on pins and needles and be careful with every word I choose to speak, then I do not need to be your friend. My true friends know that I speak my mind. Not in a disrespectful manner, nor is it to be malicious. I just speak my view and not have to apologize for it with my true friends. I can be me. And literally, with these ambivalent friends, every word I spoke was used against me. That is uncomfortable like hell! I was not and is still not clear on “why” things are the way that they are. I’ve never had words with these people. Never! All I know is that the friendships are not real and that the physiological changes I feel when I know they are going to be present isn’t healthy.
The video link in my resource page on ambivalent people was helpful. The interview in this video was amazing and wonderfully explained. It helped me understand that these people are really not my friends. It helped me to understand the changes my body would go through. It helped me understand that they are ambivalent. I better understand that I do not have to pretend to be friends with people that I do not feel the connection with. I always knew this. But the video clarified these thoughts and feelings and brought about an understanding that made me choose ME. I’ve always known better, always! I just felt obligated. I felt forced to engage with people I knew I would not typically hang with. Since this video was shared with me, I have made a conscious decision to stick to my truth and not do what does not feel natural to me. But…as I write this section of this blog, my spirit speaks to me, yet again.
Every single time I typed the word “ambivalent” I would ask myself, how do you know you aren’t the ambivalent one? And the truth is, I don’t know. All I know is that what the video explains is what I felt. From what I know about them as individuals, they do not exemplify those closest to my heart. And from what my body would experience, they brought me stress. So, for these reasons they are ambivalent to me. Now, I’m big on energy and the truth could be that our spirits just weren’t vibin’. They could have very well been reacting to my resistance. The resistance my spirit was giving off, though I internally just felt uncomfortable. Therefore, leading them to react. Who knows? It could be all of the above. Honestly, I don’t know! But what I do know, is that I choose to stay in my lane where there is peace and less worry for me. I choose to be happy and stress free and for me that means most times I’ll be alone. (Shrug shoulders.) No more people pleasing. It may sound a little cold, and I’m not trying to be. It’s just #MyTruth
Now, this past month, I’ve realized I have another issue. I cannot make out if I’m jealous or confused. And I really believe I’m confused rather than jealous. I’m confused about the definition of a “best friend”. There was a time when it was just that ONE special person. In my adult life, I feel like it can be more than just one person. Mainly because the term “best” just means better than good and I have friends that I find to be more than just a good friend to me. For similar and different reasons. Which to me, means, that I can have more than one best friend that I view beyond good. BUT! What makes an individual a “best friend”? Is it the time you’ve known them? Is it the relationship? Is it the sister-ship you all share? Or is it the warm and fuzzy feelings you have about the individual? Maybe, all of the above right? I’m confused because the individuals I call my best friend, have best friends that makes me question my value and quality to them. Makes sense? If everyone is your bestie, then I can’t be your bestie too. People I know whose loyalty have been questioned is called best friend. Folks people just met are called best friend. Folks I never heard one speak highly of are called best friend. And I found this shocking and disturbing at the same time. So, again, what does it mean to be a best friend? I texted four people personally to get their opinions to see if their thoughts and opinions would make me think differently. Two of them gave a very similar, yet interesting reply. Another one kind of hurt my feelings. The forth was the standard definition. “One that you can depend on, tell everything to.” Blah, blah, blah! (Lol) But what do you think?
I feel that in today’s time, the term is loosely used and maybe I need not to care for real. I do get too wrapped up in my feelings and emotions and start questioning people. I also get upset with myself about being a loner because I too could be amongst the crowd. (Meaning out at an outing with my friend.) If I did more with my friends, I would not have to feel left out or alone so much. Ah! I found the difference. (Literally as I type this.) To me, a best friend is an emotional connection. We know each other inside and out. We feel closer than friends. Our families can join. We know what each other are thinking and feeling without having to explain it. It’s a bond that isn’t comparable to all. It’s a friendship that isn’t disposable. It’s loyalty and more! Now, though I have a bond and a special connection with many, everyone is not my “best friend”. I love all my friends and you all are dear to my heart, really. But I have friends, close friends, dear friends, my bitches (in a good way, lol) and best friends that literally feel more like my family. And each and every one of you are special to me in your own special ways.
As you read this, did you go down your list of friends? Better yet, what kind of friend are you? Think about it! It’s important to know. Trust me!