This is your facade. I thought writing you would be beneficial to your healing. Often you visit, but it can get so chaotic in your head. So I thought if I put my message in writing, you would be more accepting of me and my message. (Smile)
Let me begin by apologizing to you. I am so sorry for giving you so much doubt. My love for you was not to bring you pain. I’m realizing that now. I’m realizing that how I’m loving you is enabling your depression, and I’m sorry. But please, allow me to explain my side.
The little girl within us has been through so much. She then turned into a young woman with insecurities. Now as an adult, I find that you, Meia, are not healthy. You are not healthy because of what you’ve endured up until this point in your life. Throughout your hardships, I thought that if I put your smile on your face, that it would cover up your pain. I thought that if I held back your tears in front of your loved ones, or held your tongue when you needed to be heard and allow you to just analyze your situations in your mind, that I would just be protecting you from being victimized again. Basically, I thought that controlling your every move, I was saving you from potential heartache and pain and helping you move on from what you had already endured. Yet and still, I was actually creating doubt and fear within you. I had you second guessing your greatness and intellect, and I’m sorry!
I honestly thought your hard exterior would prevent you from more traumatic experiences. But I’m realizing now, that I’ve caused you mental trauma. And again, I’m sorry!
Overall, I just didn’t want you to be hurt by another individual. It’s such a devastating experience for you. Mainly because you love so hard, so I get it. But truthfully, I hated it. I hated witnessing the devastation, so I basically became overprotective.
Now, I see I didn’t do you any good. So, from here on, I’m going to sit back and take your lead. I’m going to safely allow you to feel and express yourself. I’m going to help you think before you act. I’m going to allow the little girl to visit US and I’m going to be with you every step of the way. I want to encourage you to feel, love and speak. You have so much greatness to offer. You are an awesome, smart and beautiful woman with so much to give. People actually love you. And instead of suppressing your thoughts and feelings that created the doubt and confusion within you, I’m going to encourage you to feel, express and share whatever you have that leads you to happiness, healing and great health.
I wish you well on this journey.