Yesterday’s mood was indescribable. I feel like I was all over the place; mentally to be exact. So many thoughts going through my mind; unwanted conversations, images of people that have hurt me and of course, doubt. All this playing over and over in my head. Ugh. Mind you, this is often. Daily I have to fight to snap the hell out of it and truth be told, some days I can’t. And yesterday was one of them.
This week I had an appointment and I was asked some screening questions. The uncertain one was, “Any suicidal thoughts?” “No”, I reply. And then I become confused and think to myself, “At least I don’t think.” And truth is, I don’t know what to call it. I know that I don’t have the guts to hurt myself. (Honestly, I don’t!) I know I cannot purposefully leave my children here on this earth for someone other than myself to raise them. And I am reminded (from time to time), that I am loved.
On the other hand, I also know that I get so low that I want to escape from it all and just disappear. Disappear and never be found. I know that I’ve imagined myself dead and wondered how my loved ones would really feel. I’ve had thoughts about driving off a bridge out in the middle of nowhere and wondering if I would really be missed. My truth is that, I just want my soul at peace, WHILE I’m living. And just because I cannot explain the feeling, and I remain in a mental and emotional struggle daily, doesn’t mean my family and friends shouldn’t check in on me. Though I wholeheartedly know my safety isn’t in jeopardy.
My best friends are aware of my depression and one in particular understands my fight and often mentions how she appreciates how I try. She appreciates how I try to make the best of my moments and days. But guess what my truth is? I hate trying. I hate trying to make myself happy. I hate pretending to be OK when I’m around people when the truth is, I just want to crawl back into my bed and ball my eyes out. I hate making myself smile so that I don’t get asked, “What’s wrong?” I absolutely hate the front. But I also hate to be a burden on people, so, I try. I do wonder though, what if I didn’t try? Would I be the friend she avoids? Would I get “checking in” text messages? Would she come around me or pop up at the house if she hadn’t heard from me in awhile? I really do wonder.
Please note, this is no shade towards my bestie, because I know her thought process behind this. But what are your thoughts? I’m asking because you may have a friend that you think is “tripping” but the truth is, they could be going through it. Your friend may not “be there” for you right now because they’re trying to be there for themselves. Yet you’re pissed because you are always there for them and how dare they not be there for you. Your friend might make light of every serious situation to avoid being noticed and you’re probably defining that as “yo ass crazy”. What if they’re so hurt internally that they’re just trying to keep you from focusing in on them? Basically keeping you from forming the questions, “Are you ok?” or “How have you been lately?” Take your time when you talk to your friends. Don’t rush them off the phone without making sure you’ve at least checked on their well-being. Call those missed calls back and ask, “Are you ok?” right away if you don’t feel like talking or if you don’t have the time to speak. Honestly, text it if need be. I know text for some can be confused as impersonal, but many of us have our best moments of truth via text. So don’t count it out as an option. Just be more in tuned with your friends and their way of things because if it all ends due to self-inflicted injury/death, then you may be able to rewind back and explain things when all along you missed your opportunity to help or avoid it.
Suicide is pain that is So Unidentifiable In Crisis; In Death, Explainable!