Yesterday’s mood was indescribable. I feel like I was all over the place; mentally to be exact. So many thoughts going through my mind; unwanted conversations, images of people that have hurt me and of course, doubt. All this playing over and over in my head. Ugh. Mind you, this is often. Daily I have to fight to snap the hell out of it and truth be told, some days I can’t. And yesterday was one of them.

This week I had an appointment and I was asked some screening questions. The uncertain one was, “Any suicidal thoughts?” “No”, I reply. And then I become confused and think to myself, “At least I don’t think.” And truth is, I don’t know what to call it. I know that I don’t have the guts to hurt myself. (Honestly, I don’t!) I know I cannot purposefully leave my children here on this earth for someone other than myself to raise them. And I am reminded (from time to time), that I am loved.

On the other hand, I also know that I get so low that I want to escape from it all and just disappear. Disappear and never be found. I know that I’ve imagined myself dead and wondered how my loved ones would really feel. I’ve had thoughts about driving off a bridge out in the middle of nowhere and wondering if I would really be missed. My truth is that, I just want my soul at peace, WHILE I’m living. And just because I cannot explain the feeling, and I remain in a mental and emotional struggle daily, doesn’t mean my family and friends shouldn’t check in on me. Though I wholeheartedly know my safety isn’t in jeopardy.

My best friends are aware of my depression and one in particular understands my fight and often mentions how she appreciates how I try. She appreciates how I try to make the best of my moments and days. But guess what my truth is? I hate trying. I hate trying to make myself happy. I hate pretending to be OK when I’m around people when the truth is, I just want to crawl back into my bed and ball my eyes out. I hate making myself smile so that I don’t get asked, “What’s wrong?” I absolutely hate the front. But I also hate to be a burden on people, so, I try. I do wonder though, what if I didn’t try? Would I be the friend she avoids? Would I get “checking in” text messages? Would she come around me or pop up at the house if she hadn’t heard from me in awhile? I really do wonder.

Please note, this is no shade towards my bestie, because I know her thought process behind this. But what are your thoughts? I’m asking because you may have a friend that you think is “tripping” but the truth is, they could be going through it. Your friend may not “be there” for you right now because they’re trying to be there for themselves. Yet you’re pissed because you are always there for them and how dare they not be there for you. Your friend might make light of every serious situation to avoid being noticed and you’re probably defining that as “yo ass crazy”. What if they’re so hurt internally that they’re just trying to keep you from focusing in on them? Basically keeping you from forming the questions, “Are you ok?” or “How have you been lately?” Take your time when you talk to your friends. Don’t rush them off the phone without making sure you’ve at least checked on their well-being. Call those missed calls back and ask, “Are you ok?” right away if you don’t feel like talking or if you don’t have the time to speak. Honestly, text it if need be. I know text for some can be confused as impersonal, but many of us have our best moments of truth via text. So don’t count it out as an option. Just be more in tuned with your friends and their way of things because if it all ends due to self-inflicted injury/death, then you may be able to rewind back and explain things when all along you missed your opportunity to help or avoid it.
Suicide is pain that is So Unidentifiable In Crisis; In Death, Explainable!

~Meia Amor

7 thoughts on “Suicide

  1. This is so true. I’ve been here oh so many times. You think about not wanting the attention on you so you don’t mention anything. Then now because you’re a mom you put that front on because you now more on your table than just your own feelings.

    I’ve been doing really good when it comes to my depression but I have those triggers that I try to stay away and if they do come around I think of my babies. At the end of the day, I know that the love them and God have for me are infinite…

  2. My, what an evil mind game the enemy plays! I experienced these thoughts and emotions full on about three years ago and I walked the tightrope of “snapping out” of life (mentally) and just when I said “I dont want to keep my balance…” I cried out to God and begged him to take over. I was driving and I couldn’t see for my tears… Thank God I was only a mile from my house. Not only did he steer me home… He has been steering my life ever since! I have to have His word like food every day! Do I still battle with the thoughts? Yep! Wondered who would care for my three if I wasn’t here, just today. But, I shook it off rebuked it and kissed my toddler as I handed him off to his daddy………… smdh You are not alone love and now I know that I’m not! I too have my moments that I call “turtle time” where I just need to be unstimulated, but I try to make up for them when I bounce back because I need my boos. Thank you for your transparency. Just simply love you (extra) for it! Xoxo

    1. “I cried out to God and begged him to take over.” My God!! Let me tell you how often I literally just call “Jesus” while in a state of paralysis. He hears you and knows what you need just by calling on his name. Thank you so much for sharing! ?

  3. Wow! Meia you really explained this clearly to a T! I know there are levels to this and some people have a hard time fighting through those layers where negative life experiences can increase or fuel those moments of despair and the desire to “escape/end it all.” My experience (forgive me if this is long) I just felt like Eor on Winnie the poo with a dark cloud over my head while its sunny every where else. I didn’t know how I got there or how far down that dark tunnel I went until I was trying to get out of it. It was scary, because I had never experienced this before. I haven’t been through any type of trauma as a kid or even had these moments in the time past. So it can happen to even the “happiest” of people. I guess the disappointment of life had weighed on me: newly wed marriage woes, issues with bearing children, and being scarred by the church. My cousin told me one day she didn’t recognize me and asked what is going on with you?! With a “girl you better get a grip on yourself” look. I didn’t know how to put it in words at the time so I just shrugged my shoulders. But that look pierced me and let me know I had a problem that I wasn’t even aware of. I would isolate myself from others, eat my feelings, lie in bed alllllllll day, shades closed, and watch Netflix for hours/days as a way to escape my own life, and never answered my phone unless it was my mom or husband. More than once I told the Heavenly Father he could take me at any point it would be alright with me. It was like I could not see a reason to live anymore but like you I couldn’t fathom to take my own life. But when my cousin said that, I looked in the mirror and realized I didn’t recognize myself either. It was then that I made a decision to “snap out of it.” But how? I just didn’t know. So I did what I knew that has helped me in other areas of my life and that was to pray to the Heavenly Father, creator of all things, I explained to HIM (as if HE didn’t know already) several times what I could about my condition through snot, tears, and arms lifted up to the heavens to remove this darkness from my life so that I could be the person HE created me to be. It didn’t happen overnight, but everyday I made a choice to seek HIM and read HIS scriptures and overtime it went away. He also put people in my life that were tough that wouldn’t allow me an excuse to wallow to the point they’d yanked me out the bed, exercise with me, and also prayed with me when they saw me slipping again. I won’t lie and say those moments don’t try to creep up on me now, but I’m stronger now in my HEAVENLY FATHER, to reject it, pray often (for myself and and others) and stay focused on HIM and HIS WORD. Realizing my happiness is not in things, people, places, or habits, but in the HEAVENLY FATHER, who I now know as YHWH (pronounced YAHUAH) and HIS son YAHUSHUA.

    Thanks Meia for allowing us to share our experiences. It helps people to know they are not alone and that there is hope!

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